discombobulation

I define discombobulation as the state of knowing that something is wrong - you know what it is - but you can't fix it.  It's a helpless feeling in the face of adversity.  Today, I mark the 23rd birthday of my youngest daughter who I have not spoken to for almost a year.  She wants nothing to do with me because, as she told me quite plainly, on the day she gave birth to my 6th grandchild, she is an adult and as such has no further need of me. (I find this amusing as she drives the car that I gave her with the insurance that I pay for, and sits down to watch Hulu+ which I pay for as well)   I was able to see my granddaughter that one time, although I was told I could not hold her, and other than pictures on her mother's Facebook - I have not been able to hold her, tell her I love her, or just relish on the knowledge that I am lucky.  I'm not lucky.  It was like a quick glimpse of joy before the door was slammed in my face.  I was told I am not welcome to drop by when I am in the neighborhood.  I could visit by appointment only and even that was yanked away.  Every time I see a photo of my granddaughter, my heart breaks anew.  So I thought I would mark this day with a poem...I'm not a professional poet so bear with me.

Today is a grey day with a heart that’s not healing

Filled with emotions and physical feelings

There is sadness beyond words and a pain too much to bear

I want to hug you, tell you I love you,

But my arms are wrapped around air…

November 20, 2012
Kathy Wilson

This popular song by Phil Collins as almost a perfect explanation of how I feel,

see it at     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UN6Sw3Rh6ug

"I wish it would rain down"

You know I never meant to see you again 
But I only passed by as a friend 
All this time I stayed out of sight 
I started wondering why
Now I, now I wish it would rain down, down on me 
Yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
Yes, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
Yes, I wish it would rain on me
You said, you didn't need me in your life 
I guess you were right 
I never meant to cause you no pain 
But it looks like I did it again
Now I, now I know, I wish it would rain down, down on me 
Yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
Yes girl, I wish it would rain down, down on me 
Yes, I wish it would rain on me
Though your hurt is gone  
Mines hanging on inside and I know  
It's eating me through every night and day 
I'm just waiting on your sign
'Cause I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain 
And I realize I let you down 
But I know, in my heart of hearts 
I know I'm never gonna hold you again
Now I, now I know, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Oh, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
Oh, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
Yes, I wish it would rain down, rain down over me
Just rain down over me Just let it rain down

by
Phil Collins
"I wish it would rain down"

Long time no-see

It's been a while since I sat down for a visit with my favorite blog site.  I must post a link for my blog to my Instructional Design and Delivery forum. I am three classes away from earning my Master's Degree in Teaching and Learning with Technology.  I completed my Bachelor's Degree in Accounting in September of 2012.  I've been at this a long time and I have a long time to go.  I intend on getting a MBA (Master of Business Administration) with a specialization in Human Resources.  I'll follow that with a MA in Healthcare Administration.  I've been knocked down a lot in my life, but each time I get up and dust myself off and move forward. I have high hopes for my future even if health can be against me.  I beat cancer once and hopefully for good. I left a mentally abusive relationship and found love with someone who treats me like a queen and we have a long and happy marriage of almost 17 years.  I say all this today by way of informing my classmates about myself.  I hope they can stand my sometimes painful revelations in this blog of mine.