Reality Brutality

I was sitting at home looking for something to watch on TV when I began to think about our obsession with what I call, "Reality?" TV.  Duck Dynasty, American Hogger, Moonshiners, The Real Housewives of wherever, and so many, many more.  I wonder how many people think that what they are seeing is real, instead of the scripted version of real people and their lives.  Personally, I would lose my mind if I was under the TV microscope.  Cameras everywhere just waiting for a "memorable" moment.  Isn't it strange that no one on these shows ever gets up, eats breakfast, brushes their teeth, goes to work, comes home, watches some other poor bastard on reality TV, takes a shower and goes to bed? That's reality for about 99% of this country.  I watch and I'm amused on the one hand and ashamed on the other.  Is it hypocritical for me to watch and not be willing to be watched?  So I wrote a little poem that I'd like to share with you. 

Reality Brutality

Sunday, December 01, 2013

2:31 PM

I live in a world obsessed with TV "reality"

While hiding my "real" self from any scrutiny.

What makes the voyeur in us all spy at others,

While ignoring the "Don't stare!" we learned from our mothers?

Safe at home we sit before a video screen.

The more bizarre it gets, the further in we lean.

We lament the "fakes" and "falseness" in the world.

While the social limit lines are constantly blurred.

Will there be a time when the world gives acceptance?

When I no longer need to keep others at arms distance?

I wish it was so, but I fear it will never be.

So I build up the wall, hiding behind "Clever Me"!

All the pain and resentment, I keep deep inside

My sense of self, that very nearly died

I have to protect my own fragile personality

Safe from a world of "reality" brutality

Kathy Wilson, December 2013

Who are you??

http://www.upworthy.com/i-never-thought-id-want-to-high-five-a-teacher-for-yelling-at-a-student-but-i-was-wrong?c=bl3

I'm giving you a link to a lesson that typifies the new system where you don't stand and give a lecture and a pop quiz.  Every single student in this class is engaged in the exercise.  You cannot get away from it.  Even when one student gets frustrated and angry and leaves the class, she is still learning.  What does it mean to have blue eyes or brown?  In Germany during the Nazi era, blue eyes and blond hair meant that you were part of the Master race because these Nordic features were considered racially pure.  What does it mean to be white or black?  You can't change your race.  If you are born white you will die white (unless you have a good tanning membership) but still even if you tan, inside you are still white.  Likewise you can't stop being black. Even after all the progress we've made, there is still a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) aura of discrimination for them and they must struggle everyday with fact that they are a person of color.  By the end, you can see the impact on her students of what she is teaching and even if only one student leaves the lesson a changed person, she will still be a very dynamic teacher.   Enjoy!

Smile a While

I've recently been taking stock of my life and yesterday my therapist told me that she thought I was one of the strongest women she knows.  I've dealt with a lot of adversity and each time I have overcome and walked on.  It shocked me.  I don't particularly think of myself that way.  I think I throw up a good facade, but inside, I feel like, in some ways,  I deserve the bad treatment I've received.  Then I though about it and I remember a time when I had developed a hatred for my job and my boss who was never happy with my work.  I decided that I just couldn't go on this way.  I was ready to quit and move on.  Then I thought, try a smile.  Paste that smile on your face and no matter what happens do not let it slip. I had a smile on my face  for weeks as I walked around at work.  On reflection, I discovered that it's very hard to berate an employee who has a smile on their face.  It's hard to be angry in anyway in the company of a smile.  When I first husband was at the height of his fury, in my face and screaming at me, I smiled while he was doing it.  It drove him crazy.  You might ask why I poked an irate spousal abuser and, honestly I don't know why.  Perhaps I wanted him to realize the futility of his behavior or to make him so mad that he would just hit me and get it over with so he could shut up.  This was my first foray into behavior modification.  When we separated, he would call me on the phone screaming so loud people in the room could overhear what he was saying.  It was both disturbing and embarrassing.  So, the next time he called and started yelling, I would hang up the phone.  He would dial back and start screaming and I hung up on him again.  The third time he began to speak in a civil tone but the minute he started to ramp up to a yell I hung up on him.  After a week of this he started to get the message that, if he needed to speak to me, he better keep a civil tongue in his head or be hung up on.  Where in the world I got the gumption to do that, I don't know.  I've found many ways to promote behavior modification.  So maybe, I am just a little stronger than I thought I was.  It was a good feeling to keep a smile on my face!  Try it some time.  It's just a smile after all!

the whack-a-mole

The last 5 years of my life have been like some bizarre Whack-A-Mole game where unfortunately I have been 

playing the role of the mole.  Short rundown is that I got cancer in late 2007 and underwent a double 

mastectomy and 6 courses of chemotherapy and a lovely case of shingles on my face (which thankfully only 

left me with a couple of scars).  Shortly before my second chemo treatment my employer called to tell me that due to the fact that my husband had a double bypass in Jan, ’07 and I had the surgery and chemo we had unfortunately reached our lifetime cap with our insurance company of $1milion dollars and they could not afford to insure me so they were terminating my employment.  When I finally finished my chemo they informed me that the nerve damage in my feet, tinnitus in my ears and a non-functioning thyroid were a rare but permanent situation, meaning it is what it is and at least my cancer is gone.  At this point I entered into a four year abusive relationship with the government over whether I am disabled or not.  As if having a ringing in my ears that sounds like a 24/7 smoke alarm going off in my head, being unable to wear shoes for more than five minutes without my feet burning like someone was holding them next to a blowtorch, or being ridiculously overweight because of my thyroid wasn’t good enough for them.  Then in 2011 I contracted Transverse Myelitis which left me partially paralyzed from the waist down.  I spent two weeks in the hospital and one of those was in acute rehab where I had to learn how to walk all over again.  On the upside, the government was kind enough to determine that this was a legitimate disability (like the previous claim was illegitimate) and awarded me SSDI and Medicare coverage.  Then last week for no apparent reason, my right leg went completely numb from the hip to the foot.  Soooo, I’m just sitting here wondering when God will get tired of using my life as his personal "whack-a-mole" game...I'm tired of the whole thing and I'm not sure I have enough fight to pop back up just to be whacked again...I'm trying to make sense of all this but all I can come up with is that one life must suck so that many others lives can be happy.  Once again…I have drawn the short straw.  So I'm pretty much done with all of it. 

discombobulation

I define discombobulation as the state of knowing that something is wrong - you know what it is - but you can't fix it.  It's a helpless feeling in the face of adversity.  Today, I mark the 23rd birthday of my youngest daughter who I have not spoken to for almost a year.  She wants nothing to do with me because, as she told me quite plainly, on the day she gave birth to my 6th grandchild, she is an adult and as such has no further need of me. (I find this amusing as she drives the car that I gave her with the insurance that I pay for, and sits down to watch Hulu+ which I pay for as well)   I was able to see my granddaughter that one time, although I was told I could not hold her, and other than pictures on her mother's Facebook - I have not been able to hold her, tell her I love her, or just relish on the knowledge that I am lucky.  I'm not lucky.  It was like a quick glimpse of joy before the door was slammed in my face.  I was told I am not welcome to drop by when I am in the neighborhood.  I could visit by appointment only and even that was yanked away.  Every time I see a photo of my granddaughter, my heart breaks anew.  So I thought I would mark this day with a poem...I'm not a professional poet so bear with me.

Today is a grey day with a heart that’s not healing

Filled with emotions and physical feelings

There is sadness beyond words and a pain too much to bear

I want to hug you, tell you I love you,

But my arms are wrapped around air…

November 20, 2012
Kathy Wilson

This popular song by Phil Collins as almost a perfect explanation of how I feel,

see it at     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UN6Sw3Rh6ug

"I wish it would rain down"

You know I never meant to see you again 
But I only passed by as a friend 
All this time I stayed out of sight 
I started wondering why
Now I, now I wish it would rain down, down on me 
Yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
Yes, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
Yes, I wish it would rain on me
You said, you didn't need me in your life 
I guess you were right 
I never meant to cause you no pain 
But it looks like I did it again
Now I, now I know, I wish it would rain down, down on me 
Yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
Yes girl, I wish it would rain down, down on me 
Yes, I wish it would rain on me
Though your hurt is gone  
Mines hanging on inside and I know  
It's eating me through every night and day 
I'm just waiting on your sign
'Cause I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain 
And I realize I let you down 
But I know, in my heart of hearts 
I know I'm never gonna hold you again
Now I, now I know, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Oh, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
Oh, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
Yes, I wish it would rain down, rain down over me
Just rain down over me Just let it rain down

by
Phil Collins
"I wish it would rain down"

Long time no-see

It's been a while since I sat down for a visit with my favorite blog site.  I must post a link for my blog to my Instructional Design and Delivery forum. I am three classes away from earning my Master's Degree in Teaching and Learning with Technology.  I completed my Bachelor's Degree in Accounting in September of 2012.  I've been at this a long time and I have a long time to go.  I intend on getting a MBA (Master of Business Administration) with a specialization in Human Resources.  I'll follow that with a MA in Healthcare Administration.  I've been knocked down a lot in my life, but each time I get up and dust myself off and move forward. I have high hopes for my future even if health can be against me.  I beat cancer once and hopefully for good. I left a mentally abusive relationship and found love with someone who treats me like a queen and we have a long and happy marriage of almost 17 years.  I say all this today by way of informing my classmates about myself.  I hope they can stand my sometimes painful revelations in this blog of mine. 

Easter 2013

As I sit here on this Easter Sunday, imagining the fun of seeing my grand-kids hunting for Easter eggs and playing with the cousins and I wish so much that I could be there.  Instead, I sit here at home and hope that someone will post pictures for me to see.  Just when I think I have it filed away all nice and tidy, no longer able to bring me to tears, the packaging bursts and my heart breaks just like it did on the first day that two of my daughters cut me from their life.  So I sit and write poetry and try to exorcise the demons that fill my chest and cause me pain.  So this is where I put it.  I hope it stays there this time and at the same time I know it won't.

Love Lost

How easy it seems to be, to cut someone from your life

Son or Daughter, Friend or Foe, Husband or Wife

For the one who makes the cut, the pain seems fleeting

But the person who is cut has a wound that’s never healing

Did my love mean so little that it was easy to keep at bay?

Was your love for me so shallow that it was easy to wipe away?

Your sentence of life without your love was effortless to pass

And there are many who would, quite simply, tell you to kiss their ass

I’m not that kind of person; I’ve never been that way

I will sit here mourning for your love for all of my days.

Part of me is angry because this was a surprise to me

 I’ve been shunned before and should have been able to see

The price for one poem is never to see my family again

Two of my daughters will not forgive the sin.

When a person’s been gone for a long interval

 Their memory fades away until it’s hardly visible

I’ve cut someone before so I know how it goes

In your mind you think it’s over but the anger still grows

You pretend you just don’t care but you know that’s not true

It’s just a clever way to build a wall between that person and you

So you can pretend I don’t exist and you don’t give a damn

But one day you may wonder, and if you do; here I am

I’m not interested in assigning blame because the issue is so old

It may take a while before the pain in my heart grows cold

I must be guarded, suspicious and protective of my heart

It must be carefully shielded so it isn’t ripped apart

Once my heart is broken it begins a disconnect

The hurt is just too great to bear so I have to protect

I long for family contact that I know may never come

Each day that passes without it, is one day closer to succumb

I fail to see the humor in things that used to make me laugh

I spend hours listening to music so I don’t have to interact

I’m so busy doing nothing that it takes up all my time

I pretend that I’m ok, but my light fails to shine

In a room full of people I feel unlovable and alone

People can’t understand why I prefer to be on my own

Some days I sit quietly and wonder with each breath

Would anyone feel sorrow upon hearing of my death?

My mind knows that there are and that’s the only thing that keeps

Me from swallowing a fistful of pills and taking the long deep sleep

The battle rages in me every day

Do I go or do I stay?

I never know the answer for any given day.

Kathy Wilson

November 1, 2012